[ Where Only the Present is Real ]

Something called, "Experience"

2010-08-23T15:03:00.003+08:00

This is really quite a long entry. Written on the 6th of June, it was when I had the time to really sit down and think about how I can define - Depression. The purpose was so that people, friends who talk to depressed people really know how it feels like. It bothers me that some people think depression is merely a temporary state of mind, and how it's related to being lazy or lacking of will power to stop procrastinating.

No, it is not as simple as that. Do not underestimate depression. You might just miss them and be too late.

Depression cannot be understood simply because you know about sadness, or loneliness. Unpredictable and addictive, it is when one truly believes there’s this void in their heart, this separation from the reality that they live in and what they think has become of them - meaninglessness, non-existence.

As they drift apart, there’s this figure of darkness that slowly but surely enveloping them...swallowing them before they fall deeper and deeper. They will lose their sanity...for eternity that I do not know. But because the darkness shines no light, it is impenetrable, it is so difficult to reach them, as they are lost, and people who want to help them can’t find them.

It takes tremendous effort to climb out of this pit of darkness, and it is like it’s locked from inside. Perhaps it is by will, only if they really wish for it, can they reverse this curse, but really, they are lost and confused. Trapped, and their mind completely poisoned by the thought of artificial happiness from being protected by the darkness.

They have surrendered themselves, thinking that they are safe here but only to realize how lonely this place is. There is nobody else they will ever find again, in that place of darkness. And they mourn for their loss, they are sad because they can no longer feel the breeze in their hair, the touch of real people.

No, they have given in to the inner demons lurking in their hearts, waiting to feast on the self-manifested darkness that has been growing from within. Some try to call for help, but it only echoes in the darkness, seemingly hopeless and abandoned. People who are finding them might ignore it, thinking it was just their imagination, but it was really a SOS call.

They had not wanted to die; it was not part of the plan. But in this black picture of the mind, which has no direction, no desire, no life...they rather give it all up. It feels the same anyway; Then, they give up on the most important thing in life...life itself.

NEVER, EVER, Take depression lightly. Be supportive of them. Tell them that they can talk to you with whatever they feel. Keep talking but DO NOT dare or encourage them to do life-threatening things. When they think of "silly" things, distract them. Remind them of what they may still enjoy in life. Introduce new healthy things for them to do. Be there with them every step of the way. There is still hope and solution for them.

Find for the help that they need. Report to a counselor or refer to mental health professionals on what to do.

I wish you all the best. :)
shuttin'up wid luv,jozL.

So Hollow

2010-08-15T00:57:00.005+08:00

the time is 12.59am.

i am very exhausted. the night before I was awake to take care of someone. the next day i was busy looking for something for someone dear to me going home tomorrow. I just came back from my cousin's bbq party in which i helped out again, serving people.

i am lying on my bed. preparing to sleep. thought i should check my mail, and then i saw it.

your email to me, the first in a long time. it read this song- James Blunt's Goodbye My Lover.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVyggTKDcOE&feature=av2e

i watched it, i heared it. every word speared my heart, i can feel your pain, what you're trying to tell me through this song. like every other song you've sent me before.

as i watched the video, they looked like us. so happy but so sad. and secretly, i wished...please don't say goodbye. i want to be selfish. don't say i don't mean anything anymore. i can't bear it. i don't know why.

You've seen me cry, you've seen me smile, you've watched me sleep...

but i am not the one for you. not now, not anymore. we can't hold hands anymore. we can't be them anymore.

this time it's really goodbye.

leave me hollow without you.

shuttin'up wid luv,jozL.

Obsess much.

2010-08-12T14:26:00.005+08:00

hey peeps. just recently been hooked to someone. hehe. guess who?
MTV new vj hunt winner 2010. go figure! hint is at the bottom. ;)

This is to her... my fatal attraction.

What kind of attraction do I have towards you? Nothing too wrong. We’re the same. That is wrong.

I look at your pictures, and indefinitely i feel i need more of you. To see more of you, 3d images. How i wish they had a hologram of you. That will complete me. Seeing your features, i can’t stop looking at your face. Even as I’m typing here, I wanna reach into the screen and feel your hair, your beautiful face, oh so perfect. I’m hooked to the ‘older post’ icon, eagerly wanting to know more about you. Hopefully a page full of pictures. Then i see some funny pictures, poses, and i laugh, and i want to know you better again.

Sometimes you get that feeling, that you can’t get enough, yes, i can’t get enough of you.

I’m like a stalker, net stalker. I think it’s common nowadays.

You, your skinny legs, small arms and cute lips, you don’t need an effort to pout. I could close my eyes and paint your face in the mind, so many. Im obsessed about you. Haven’t closed your blog in a week, or maybe two.

Oh. Found you! On facebook...and the obsession continues.

shuttin'up wid luv,jozL.

what does ROSEVELT mean to you?

2010-08-10T15:53:00.006+08:00

CAUTION! I know some of the lines here may sound weird and fishy, but don't get me wrong.

get me honest. here's to you guys...

"That spark. It’s hard to find, what i heard that night, i want to hear it every night. Your voice, the escalating beats of your drums, the sensual way you strum those strings, you feel almost like you can dive into a pool of notes.

You get high, you get lost, you feel fine, i feel fine. We dance for abit, everything becomes quiet and in just abit, you create life. The life of music.

You give birth to a new me, I can’t stop, you go faster, we climax and there’s this immense amount of satisfaction, craving, wanting, yearning, all you can ever have in the world is kept there.

When you sing, drum and strum.

You don’t want anything else in this world, you just want to stay here, close your eyes and listen to the hypnotic beats and voice that takes you deeper and deeper into nothingness of serenity.

You start to believe every word he sings, “i wanna lie here......”

the blast of the speakers breath life, the high vibrato makes you lose your mind.

Over and over again, my life begins and ends with you on that stage."

Dedicated to the band I am currently so in love with, as much as with you. roseveltband.com, check them out. :)

shuttin'up wid luv,jozL.

A Dark Enlightment

2010-08-10T14:45:00.004+08:00

wow, it's been awhile since i've posted something. suddenly had a streak of inspiration gushing through me. wrote some stuff, some light some dark, but i think i'll post it over a week or so. but at the same time i'm tempted to post 3entries in a row. hahha. let's see.

this goes first.

Meaningful Death.

It all started with a bang.
Collisions of desires,
Of trust,
Of the very foundation in our core,
I knew of the danger,
In the depths of my heart,
It could not be prevented,
This catastrophe.

There’s only one thing to do,
To end it, to kill it,
Here and now, there’s no other way,
No backing out, take it all the way,
To shoot you is to shoot me,
The soul has left your body,
Taking mine along with it.

The angel of death awaited me,
Smiling and encouraging,
The devil took me in,
And gave me a shelter,
I saved you from hell,
In return for myself,
I loved you as you loved me.

A big change has come upon me. Good or bad, we'll see.

shuttin'up wid luv,jozL.

Of Hatred Breeds Waste

2009-10-19T19:21:00.003+08:00

*coughs* this 'song' is quite crude, so do prepare yourself. :) here it is, my dark song...

Oh that smile so twisted,

Gives me so much pleasure,

Oh that laugh so wicked,

Gets me all so freakish

Lying died next to you

My body’s cold and dead!!!

Can you see

Can you feel...

My world’s crumbling down

Can you hear

Can you smell...

My world’s collapsing down

Can you see

Can you feel...

You went and crush it down

Can you hear

Can you smell...

You went and crush it down

What are you gonna do about

These pieces in your hands

Throw it around

Toss it about

Kick it around

Fuck it about

You don’t have to act like you give a shit

About this junk you have just made

This toy you played

This mess you made

Just leave it lying died!!!

Can you see

Can you feel...

My world’s crumbling down

Can you hear

Can you smell...

My world’s collapsing down

Can you see

Can you feel...

You went and crush it down

Can you hear

Can you smell...

You went and crush it down

hmmmm. okay. you must think i'm weird or hateful right now. it's just a way of expressing thee self. x) special thanks to my bf for the inspiration ;D

shuttin'up wid luv,
jozL.

Sorrowful Happiness

2009-10-03T14:00:00.003+08:00

I do not know of this sorrow. What has caused it, where it came from. But I feel it, lingering deep inside me. Sometimes like a hurricane, sometimes as a gentle breeze. It makes me sad, what can make me forget this sorrow? A butterfly flew pass me. Fluttering its tiny wings, it can fly. Yet myself, why can’t I fly? I looked behind me. There’s nothing. No wings, no feathers, no sign of hope. If I became a butterfly, will I be happy? Will it make me forget? I cocooned myself, and waited a long wait. Time passed without me knowing. I finally woke up. I looked around me, there were still no wings. Then I realized, I can’t feel the sorrow anymore...but I can’t feel happiness too. Isn’t the absence of sorrow, happiness? How wrong I was. So wrong, it made me cry. All along I wanted something I already had. With sorrow came happiness. And with happiness came sorrow. And for the first time in my life, I was contented with being sorrow. At least I had feelings; there will come a time when I’m happy.

Somethings are not within our control. But life is about making the most with what you have. No point complaining. So live with it. :)

shuttin'up wid luv,
jozL.

The Hero in Hiro

2009-09-25T21:18:00.005+08:00

It was as though you understood what I had to say, my every word and gesture. You looked straight into my eyes, making me feel so vulnerable. My soul weakened and yours caressed it. You snuggled a little closer, and my heart melted. Even when your body is so small, it is so warm. We shared our warmth for a moment. No words exchanged. You sighed, I smiled. Your body lied motionless over mine. I can feel you surrendering your trust, body and soul to me. It made me all soft and fluffy inside. My motherly instinct awoke, wanting to protect you forever. As I cradled you in my arms lovingly, you squirmed, being all spoiled. Complaining and moaning softly, I smiled again. Your face of pure and innocence, reminded me of how blessed I was before too. I hoped you were feeling the same bliss.

Time ticked away, unwilling to spare me even a while more to see your beautiful face. I gently pat your head, stroking it, again and again. Then I felt a pang of sadness, and whispered, “I have to go now. Sleep well, my little Hiro.”

For those of you who don't know, Hiro is the latest addition to my family. :) he's about 2 months old, a mixed Dalmation with big patches of blackness over most parts of his body. Take a look at his pictures :p

Well, he's adorable and witty but also ill-tempered and bossy. He has just learned to bark at strangers, much thanks to Angel's modeling. =D

shuttin'up wid luv, jozL.

Bloody Cursor

2009-09-23T21:02:00.002+08:00

As I stared at the Word cursor blinking again and again, I wished for it to magically map out my 3,000 words essay. Ah, what an easy job you have, Cursor. I am envious of you. All you do it blink and move when the key is entered. You only have to follow, and I have to lead you. Occasionally you move backwards because I deleted some words that I don’t see suit. Still, it’s easy. Why can’t you suggest to me what to write? Better yet, you lead. But maybe you aren’t that smart anyway. You live within the computer, and you don’t appear all the time. The main character is the Mouse cursor after all.

yup. currently stuck with my term paper. sigh, life of a cursor.

shuttin'up wid luv,
jozL.

Flavour of Life by Utada Hikaru

2009-09-17T22:56:00.004+08:00

The silly things we do, when we are blindly in love. :)

To think I managed to gather courage to confess to you... You were leaving; I didn’t know when you will be back. I dare not ask, fearful of the truth. Of how much it will hurt, I fought for what was left between us. You didn’t show much emotion, as though numbing your own so that it’ll numb mine. In the suspension of time, my feelings were overflowing. As though instinctively, I didn’t want to let you go. Let me be selfish just this once. Listen to me, just listen and stay please. But you won’t, you can’t, we both knew that. It may be one sided after all, me living in a fantasy, of you and me. Please, hear this song, and know that our memories together will live on, just like this song. It hurts to say goodbye, and when you ask what’s wrong, I said “nothing”, with smile to hide away all the pain. Whether you loved me, liked me, hated me, please know that I had once fallen for you. Listen carefully to the song, my feelings are embedded deep inside the lyrics. Thank you, my flavour of life.

shuttin'up wid luv,
jozL.

Playing "God"

2009-09-14T20:53:00.003+08:00

She believes that nothing she do can go wrong. She will not fail. She has God on her side. Heck, she believes she’s God. Is she? When she’s sad, it rains. It rains because she’s sad. In her mind, she’s beautiful, kind, caring, sensitive, and intellectually more superior than her peers. And perhaps, some adults more senior than her. She can’t be stopped. Her ideas are of superlative quality, unrivalled. She’s never wrong, how can she be? Yet inside, there is a corner of her square heart, full of twisted, sinister thoughts. It tells her to back down, keep it low...so that no one will find out. She mustn’t let anyone know of her true nature. They are fine where they are, ignorant and manipulated. She has to survive.
Life is a game.

shuttin'up wid luv,
jozL.

Why I am the way I am

2009-09-12T00:28:00.002+08:00

I want to be the person to recognize that another person is trying their best to do something. Which is admirable, to be able to be passionate about something. Especially if that something includes other people, with them in mind. Even though it may be a selfish intention, for whatever reason, isn’t it okay as long as it benefits others as well? Can’t we consider it as paid for? It’s just business. Simple.

shuttin'up wid luv,
jozL.

Core Ability by UVERworld

2009-09-10T14:51:00.003+08:00

check out the song in the above title. x)

this string of thoughts came about while listening to the song...

He was unfamiliar to the way he should hold the cigarette. Hesitantly, he placed it in between his lips, almost dropping it because of the inaccurate estimate of pressure exerted by his lips to the cigarette neck. He laughed secretly inside at his foolishness, then glanced nervously around to check if anyone witnessed it. No. Thank god. He slipped his hand into his pocket, and his hand recognized the feel of the cold metallic lighter. He pulled it out, and took a moment to stare at it. Do I really want to do this? His eyes watered for a bit. Fuck. He closed his eyes to make the formation of tears stop. Clumsily, he flicked the lighter and drew it closer to his mouth, where the cigarette was waiting. With his eyes crossed slightly, he tried to focus on getting the fire to hop onto the cigarette. Once... twice... Ah huh! It’s on. ...Shit, what do I do now? “You suck it, hard” said the voice in his head. “You’ll feel all better”. He strategically positioned his fore and middle finger to hold the cigarette in between. Then, he attempted to take a deep breath, while sucking on the cigarette like a straw. COUGH COUGH COUGH! Damn. It all aches, his eyes, nose, and throat. He steadied himself, and went to throw the litted cigarette into the dustbin. Without putting it out.

:) a great idea (at least i think so) came to me today. I could start typing my random thoughts in microsoft words! before they run away... so there. first product. i have several more waiting, but i'll post them next time. hehe

shuttin'up wid luv,
jozL.

After Only One Day...

2009-07-26T23:09:00.005+08:00

yup, just after my first day... ark. i got bored. i'm bored. bored. this is boring.

while i was washing my hands after dinner, it hit me...
"WHY THE HELL DID YOU CREATE THAT (this) BLOG? NOW IT'S ANOTHER OBLIGATION, ANOTHER JOB, ANOTHER HASSLE, ANOTHER... ...ahh~ ah. de ki chatta mitai da na, to omotte.

lol. so yuu koto de... i'm leaving this for awhile, JA-NA! x3

byebye~

shuttin'up wid luv,
jozL.

So Let's Just Do This SHIT! :)

2009-07-25T03:58:00.008+08:00

haii... WELCOME~! <33 *bows* (gehhey, from Gasoline) xD
To start off, I guess its only natural to talk about how I got pregnant and gave birth to a blog. mmM~

okay. especially to those who really "thought" they knew me well, they would have known the very fact that I dislike blogs, oh, I meant blogging. x/ (wonder how many dead blogs do I have...)
Several reasons include, it gets pretty boring after a while, and knowing how lazy I am, I'll abandon the blog after several posts (ahaha we'll see if history will repeat itself! :P). Also, I don't wanna nurture my whiny and bitchy side (fingers crossed and no offense intended whatsoever), yet I find it calling after me, hahaa!

So let's just do this sh*t!! #$%^& >:D

p/s: I shall NOT refrain from using crude words because it only defeats the purpose of voicing my thoughts. However, lol, I won't be mean and abuse those special~ words k. No worries! xP

p/p/s: I did this on a whim after coming across CC's blog. blahhs, but don't think too highly of yourself now, LOL. It might not last afterall. C: nonetheless, feel free to look around, and i hope it has helped give you perspective towards different things in life. ENJOY! :DD

shuttin'up wid luv,
jozL.